“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.”

You know how people sometimes say: “I’m anxious to see you”? Well, I guess it’s probably one of those good feelings and even if your heart races and you hyperventilate – that’s OK[1]. Most of the time I am anxious I will see you[2] as well. And there is also racing heart and shortness of breath – the whole package. However – I don’t enjoy it. I feel so anxious about this hypothetical meeting that it disables my motoric abilities, it makes me cognitively retarded. I become one, paralysed with fear, animal. The only thing that makes me overcome it is the even bigger fear of disappointing my close ones if I give in to that feeling. I know the score very well – if I let myself do this even once, that will be my end – I won’t be able to overcome it ever again. So I may stand for ten minutes next to the door and pull myself together – eventually I will leave, I always do. I will make sure that I have loud music in my headphones and I will probably not look up much – but I will leave the house.

That said – I could easily go about my day (day after day) without seeing anyone; without talking to anyone; without having any interaction between me and the world. There are a lot of factors that add up to that: anxiety, tiredness of pretending this non-depressed me and probably also the inability to connect with anyone on the deeper level. Yeah, let’s set it straight, I can read emotions; I am actually very good at it[3]. However – it doesn’t change the fact that I simply don’t feel it. Obviously – I can get attached to people, I can love them in my own way but: a) it takes me much longer; b) and it’s always ‘in my own way’. So – there. However, at the same time – not there. If I ever tell anyone I don’t need a constant presence of people in my life they either assume that I am just keeping my guard up or (and that’s supposedly the more perceptive kind) that even though it all may be true, it does not apply to them[4]. I will also sometimes remind them I don’t like being touched. They nod, they sort of take it in and then, assuming that in fact a hug is what I really want but just don’t know how to say it – they hug me. People don’t listen. People don’t accept things that are not the way they should be – according to them. So yes, I tend to avoid people – for many, many different reasons.

But I’ve digressed – as I do.

[1] hell, it may even be desired.

[2] not particularly “you”, I mean just a generic type of “yous”.

[3] went through a crash course as a child.

[4] at this point I feel too guilty to set this misconception straight.

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