“Let them think what they liked, but I didn’t mean to drown myself. I meant to swim till I sank – but that’s not the same thing.”

Things got simpler. Things got more complicated. I am still trying to decide which of the above is true (or at least truer). Probably the latter – it usually just gets more and more difficult. Fuck.

OK – so there is me – from a bit over a month ago, playing hide and sink with my own life and definitely not winning in this game. To be even more precise – there am I thinking a lot about not being (neither me nor anyone else for that matter). There am I trying to erase all of my footsteps, trying to fade away, trying to be forgotten. And most of all, there am I trying very badly not to try.

Over a month ago I have probably resembled more of the bottle filled with gasoline than a human being. And I did explode – though – too soon, with no warning or plan. My body started shutting down and nearly suffocated me. I probably should have taken it as some sort of lesson. I guess this is what everyone was expecting of me. I haven’t – but how can you say that out loud? Yes, you can’t.

So there is me now, still sinking but better in hiding.

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One thought on ““Let them think what they liked, but I didn’t mean to drown myself. I meant to swim till I sank – but that’s not the same thing.”

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