“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.”

I sometimes wonder how many things actually go unnoticed and how many things people around me pretend they don’t see. It’s tricky. I like to believe that my deeds, my sins, are invisible. I like to believe that my lies – even when crude and not very well thought through – are still good lies and they remain good cover ups to all of the stupid and reckless things I do.

That said – I am always very straight and open about my affair with anorexia in my early twenties. It didn’t get very bad[1] – I’ve stopped eating for a while, but thanks to a sheer coincidence I ended up in the position where I actually had to have some food. Probably, thanks to a survival instinct of my own body, I started eating. I ate for twenty four hours. My body was starving after over three months of living on a one piece of bread every two days. I guess there were a lot of insecurities and control issues that have led to this state. I felt stupid for starving myself, yet – I was unable to stop. Afterwards I would speak openly about it[2], always pointing out that this sort of illness stays with you till the end. You might be not doing it anymore, however it’s so easy to fall back straight into it[3]. Few years later I’ve got diabetes[4]. Obviously they have asked me – have I ever had any ED issues. As I do – I have lied – “of course not”. But diabetes makes you always think about what you eat – that’s the crude mathematic of it. This is a trigger – one of the few. Moreover – insulin makes you fat[5]. So you count, so you put some weird limitations on yourself and – ironically – you always have a good excuse – fucking diabetes. Not eating becomes way easier. You try to tell yourself that it’s stupid and maybe – just from time to time – you try to actually eat. Usually it doesn’t last long. You are screwed. As a fricking amazing bonus you start living in the constant fear of the lack of insulin and of taking too much of it[6]. Trust me – it’s like a never-ending party. In a very twisted way, insulin you are injecting (at least few times a day) prevents you from looking like a skeleton; your fucked up immune system that from time to time will cling to water in an idiotic way – that also helps you remain under the radar. With all of that in the game, you ask yourself– why are you actually doing this? And let’s be honest about that – there is no good answer – you simply do. And yes – I know – fucking fuckingly stupid.

There is also the second thing: these straight, narrow scars that cover your arms and your legs. You feel stupid for having them. Or maybe – you feel stupid when people notice them. Every time someone asks about them and you tell them one of your see-through lies (a variation of “I’m just very clumsy”) you spin into a guilt-hole. Now they must know how crazy and how messed up you are. But surprisingly, very often they seem to believe you. Relief falls upon you. You promise yourself you won’t do this again because on the certain level all of the things you need to do to cover up this shit and the fear that someone will know anyway – is as bad as or even worse than the feelings that make you hurt yourself… Once again – yes – I know…

Shit.

[1] well, it could have get much worse I guess.

[2] except when it comes to my parents – my folks don’t know about it and – trust me – they will never do.

[3] you had a bad time in your life – and you have lost some weight? Sort of bad, but sort of great. Like in a very simple platform game – the longer you play, the farther you want to get…

[4] type 1, so no – I wasn’t then and I am not now obese.

[5] not really, it makes you gain a bit weight, probably in the grand scale it’s not really significant – it is though if you are already tainted with the ED.

[6] as a result you come to the conclusion that if you won’t eat, you don’t have to inject yourself and thus – you can sort of avoid hypos, hypers and comas…

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